If you only read this…

• Hope you enjoyed Country Mike’s Gourd Emporium, because we really screwed you when we said you’d be safe taking last Saturday off! All hell broke loose as several top ten teams lost to unranked opponents, seriously shaking up the playoff picture.

• But take solace: This Saturday’s slate should also sizzle. Ohio State/Oregon, LSU/Ole Miss, Red River, Penn State/USC, and on and on…We preview these saucy selections below.

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Week 6 Rapid-Fire Takeaways

Wham! Bam! What the fuck just happened?! Remember last week when we said, “This week’s slate sucks”? Remember when we told you to take the weekend off, maybe take the lady out to gaze at odd autumnal fruits ‘n’ gourds in a field far outside of town?? God we nailed that! Turns out all you missed was one of the craziest college football Saturdays in recent memory. Alabama lost to Vanderbilt (!!!), Tennessee fell to Arkansas ::hog noises::, USC got boat-rowed by Minnesota, Missouri got absolutely brained by Texas A&M (hey, we hit on that one—Missouri’s a pretender), and Miami got bailed the eff out—again—by a highly controversial booth review. Week 6’s shenanigans threw a wrench into both the top ten and our playoff projections—though SEC heavies will obviously get several freebies…Vandy’s tough!—which only adds further intrigue to what’s shaping up to be a pretty radical season! ::80’s guitar riff::

Candy no more!! And…are you freaking kidding me Alabama?

Yeah that’s right…Alabama’s in a headline with Vanderbilt, and the headline’s in Vandy gold because Vandy fucking beat them! A week after the Tide took down then-number one Georgia—and nearly blew them out before the ‘Dawgs staged a furious second-half rally—’Bama went on the road to face the Commodores in front of a raucous crowd of future McKinsey consultants (“These refs need to optimize their internal processes!”) and dropped a wild one, 40-35. It was Alabama’s first loss to Vanderbilt since 1984—that’s right, the year that The Terminator, my favorite movie of all time, came out—and it puts the Tide in a bit of a weird spot: They have the marquee victory over Georgia but also a pretty questionable loss, with a tough stretch coming up that includes road trips to Tennessee, LSU, and Oklahoma. They’re fully capable of running the table, but if they trip up a couple times in that stretch, does a 9-3 Alabama—with a loss to Vandy—make the playoff? We think they probably do (the question of whether they should is an entirely different one), but that’ll also depend on what happens around them.

Ducks, Buckeyes avoid the carnage.

Oregon and Ohio State handled bidness against Michigan State and Iowa, respectively, and we’re glad they did—both now head into their gigantic bout this weekend undefeated and ranked in the top 5. Ohio State weathered a slow start against a stingy Iowa defense, but, as always happens in any big game involving Iowa, the Hawkeyes’ complete inability to move the ball on offense eventually led to the dam breaking and them getting blown out by a more complete team. Ohio State flashed that top gear we’ve been referencing, pulling away with a 21-0 third quarter. Quarterback Will Howard was efficient (21 for 25 passing for 209 yards and 4 touchdowns), Ohio State’s two-headed rushing attack of Treveyon Henderson and Quinshon Judkins was effective enough against a tough Iowa front, and the Buckeyes’ D held the Hawkeyes’ flaccid O to just 225 total yards. As for Oregon, the Ducks overcame a sloppy start to impose their will on a rebuilding Michigan State squad. Oregon’s run defense throttled Sparty, holding them to 59 yards on 30 carries and making an offensively-challenged Michigan State fairly one-dimensional. The trench play between Ohio State and Oregon will be brutal (and beautiful) this weekend, but I’ll leave it to our Big Ten expert Badger Bill—see below—to prep you for this big-boy primetime clash.

Miami gets a gift…yeah, another one.

Well that was targeting. Straight up. But the booth reviewed and reversed a helmet-to-helmet hit by Miami linebacker Wesley Bissainthe on Cal’s quarterback deep into the fourth quarter very late on Saturday night—classic ACC finish!—and again delivered a call in Miami’s favor, giving the ball back to Cam Ward and the Hurricanes’ offense who, to their credit, nutted up and drove the field for the winning touchdown. The Hurricanes are a good team, make no mistake, but that’s the second booth-initiated bailout in a row as the ACC appears finally to have become self-aware. (In other words, the ACC appears to have realized that it might behoove them to promote and protect their best teams.) Miami will rest up this weekend ahead of a tough road test at Louisville next week—will the ACC make it a hat trick in horse country??

Georgia, Ole Miss respond.

The ‘Dawgs picked themselves up off the mat to vanquish the Huge Freeze-escorted Auburn Tigers between the hedges on Saturday, 31-13. The game was competitive into the second half, but Georgia was both more clutch and more efficient, outperforming the Tigers on third and fourth downs, and scoring touchdowns rather than settling for field goals in the red zone. The ‘Dawgs now get a rebuilding, fairly hapless Mississippi State squad at home ahead of their extremely sexy trip to Austin to face #1 Texas next week. Elsewhere in the SEC, Ole Miss recovered nicely from their shock defeat to Kentucky, choking out a decent South Carolina team in Columbia. The Rebs were led by a dominant effort from their defense, which is notable, as that unit’s ability to play at an elite level will be critical to any big-boy success Lane Kiffin’s squad is able to have in the back end of this season.

What was that you were saying about NIL killing the little guy??

We’ve always seen this a little differently than most, and we’re glad the early data—a spate of high-profile upsets—seems to support our view: Many assumed that the advent of NIL would lead to a further concentration of top talent at just a handful of power programs. To the contrary, we always felt like the bringing-above-board of player compensation would actually allow more schools to invest in their roster than was the case under the old system of shadowy bag men and randomly-appearing gold Trans-Ams. Whereas a school (say…Auburn!) might be well versed in the dark arts of Deep South recruiting—where a recruit’s granddaddy’s 1987 Cutlass might be purchased by a booster for $20,000 more than its Blue Book value—a school like, say, Iowa State might not have that kind of shadow infrastructure in place. Now they don’t have to. If Iowa State hits on a stud freshman quarterback, their big-money folks can legally pony up to keep the kid. To be fair to the big boys, a tradition of winning—and the type of culture and energy that sustained winning creates—always has and will continue to boost their recruiting efforts, but here again, the introduction of NIL gives the little guys a means to attempt to overcome that disadvantage. As the boy Method Man once said…Cash rules everything around me, C.R.E.A.M., get the money! Dollar dollar bill y’all!!

Week 7’s Saucy Selections

#2 Ohio State at #3 Oregon

7:30pm ET, NBC, Ohio State -4

By Billy Lowry

When you were circling the biggest games of the 2024 Big Ten slate in August, this was the biggest. And man is it setting up just how we’d hoped: The Silver Bullets are headed to Autzen. #2 at #3. Bucks vs. Ducks.

In truth, this one won’t define either program’s season. For one, we might get a rematch for the Big Ten title in December. For two, both these teams share the same ultimate goal—a national championship—and it’s hard to see either of them dropping more than two games on their remaining schedules. Still, Saturday night will go a long way toward proving whether we have bonafide contenders or wannabe pretenders.

To get there, both sides need to get off to a much quicker start than they’ve done recently. Aside from Ohio State’s week 2 thumping of Western Michigan, neither team has managed more than 7 points in any first quarter. But make no doubt about it: the Oregon crowd will be fired up and LOUD from the opening kick. And—impactful nugget!—it doesn’t hurt Oregon that Big Ten teams crossing multiple time zones are just 1-8 on the year. Advantage Ducks there, and they may need it…Ohio State has been absolutely suffocating in second halves, sporting a 63-0 edge over the last 3 weeks. Advantage Buckeyes there.

As former Big 12 rivals, transfer QBs Dillion Gabriel (Oregon) and Will Howard (OSU) have yet to meet on the field: Howard was still QB2 in early 2022 when his Kansas State Wildcats took down Gabriel’s Sooners. Howard has delivered on reasonable expectations since his arrival in Columbus as a lower profile portal QB. His solid passing numbers are no surprise given his supporting cast, and though the mobile Howard hasn’t really gotten it going with his legs, it’s our suspicion that the Bucks are saving that element for the big games. Well, this is a big one…

On the other sideline, Gabriel has been fine and even dynamic in spots, but on the whole fairly unremarkable relative to expectations. Oregon fans would tell you that their offense has yet to fully click, and his three red zone interceptions in the last two games have taken Duck fans from green and yellow to red alert. Can either QB break out of their shell and establish themselves as the face of a championship-caliber offense? This would be the week to do it.

What happens when these two natty contenders lock horns on Saturday night? God bless you if you have any conviction. No question the Buckeye offensive line is in for its first real challenge from Oregon's stud defensive ends. But can the Ducks’ shaky secondary fly with Ohio State’s flock of 1st Round wideouts?

Badger Bill’s Pick: Ryan Day doesn’t lose Big Ten games, save for Michigan. Does it count if a team just joined the Big Ten? I’ll say yes. Buckeyes 27-24 in a physical, primetime thriller.

#9 Ole Miss at #13 LSU

7:30pm ET, ABC, Ole Miss -2.5

By Michael Brown

The Magnolia Bowl takes place in Death Valley this Saturday night as LSU hosts Ole Miss in one of the sport’s oldest rivalries. The two programs are quite familiar with one another, having faced off more than a hundred times since their inaugural matchup during the second Cleveland administration. 

Last year’s matchup in Vaught-Hemingway was a (moveable) feast ::Dr. Evil pinkie to mouth—any Hemingway fans in the house?!:: of offense, as the two teams combined for more than 1,300 total yards in a back-and-forth, Big 12-looking shootout that saw Jaxson Dart put on a two-minute clinic, driving the ball 88 yards in 1:57 to score the go-ahead touchdown and two point conversion.

I’d like to say this game will feature a bit more shine from the defenses, but I have a hard time telling you either of these defensive units has actually faced a good offense thus far. Ole Miss has only given up three touchdowns on the season, which is impressive regardless of schedule, but their toughest challenge to date has been either Kentucky or South Carolina, both 3-2 teams who’d be happy to finish in the middle of the SEC standings. 

LSU’s lone loss came week 1 in Vegas to USC, which the Bayou Bengals followed with a close scrape at South Carolina before feasting on a coupla’ cupcakes the last two weekends. Coach Kelly says he wants to avoid a shootout by playing the “appropriate level of defense” this weekend…Huh? Earlier this year, we put Brian Kelly on a pre-pre-hot seat, and to his credit, he’s done juuust enough to cool down that ass of his (for the time being, at least). 

In our eyes, the pressure here is squarely on the shoulders of Lane Kiffin. Plain and simple, it’s a must-win game for a much-hyped Ole Miss team, and there’s not a tougher spot to get that win than Tiger Stadium at night. On the flip, it’s exactly the kind of signature win that puts a playoff berth within reach. A loss puts Ole Miss at 10-2 at best and makes their road to the playoff staggeringly more difficult, as they’d need to run the table for the remainder of their schedule, which includes home dates against Georgia and Oklahoma.

Dr. Chim Richalds’ Pick: Ole Miss’ defense shows up…LSU’s does not. Dart and the high-powered Rebels fire a missile into the thermal exhaust port of Death (Star) Valley. Ole Miss 38-17.

The BoxSlayer Returns

In the words of the great Russell Casse…. “Hello boys, I’m BAAAACKKKKKKKK!”

(For any bozos who may have forgotten who Russell Casse is…Randy Quaid, drunk old fighter pilot, Independence Day…Come to think of it, is there any movie where Randy Quaid doesn’t play a drunk old military guy?)

The Boxslayer has been on a month-long ayahuasca retreat trying to find his way back amidst the chaos of the early season. Needless to say, he’s brought back the Isildur’s Bane of locks this week. Feast your greedy little eyes on these money makers:

5-Unit Lock of the Week: BYU -4.5.

This game started as Arizona -2.5 just a few weeks ago. Vegas is all in on BYU and for good reason. Arizona is coming off a home loss to Texas Tech after a shocking upset of Utah two weeks ago (didn’t I mention chaos earlier…). BYU is back in action after a much-needed bye week, giving their beat up RBs some time to heal. Provo is a tough place to play, and BYU should cover the spread here. Boxslayer predicts BYU to win by 7.

Boxslayer’s Trademark 5-game parlay (let’s keep it at 1 unit)

Iowa State -3. The Cyclones are proving legit. And why wouldn’t they be?? Their starting quarterback’s name is Rocco. Give me Iowa State to cover on the road.

Ole Miss -3.5. I know Death Valley is a tough place to play—especially at night—but

Jaxson Dart is as good as they come at the college level and will score a ton of points on this leaky Bayou Bengal D. Ride with Dr. Chim and back Ole Miss to cover on the road.

Tennessee -15.5. I’d hate to be the Gators going into Knoxville after Tennessee dropped an embarrassing one at Arkansas. Vols by a lot.

Pitt -3. For those who stayed awake last week, you might be thinking, “Boxslayer, how can you bet against Oski and the Golden Bears?” Easy…Cal’s headed back across the country—they’ve already made trips to both Auburn and Florida State—to play an unbeaten Pitt. Pitt cruises.

Ohio State -3. First real test for both teams, but I’m not sure the rest of the country realizes yet how good Ohio State’s defense is, and I think they’ll be able to keep Dillon Gabriel and the Ducks in check. Ohio State covers the 3.

Badger Bill’s B1G Lock(s) of the Week

A little bonus coverage this week: A can’t miss two-fer for that ass. Illinois opened as 17.5-point favorites vs. Purdue, which may have been the lock of the year. While I must send up a warning that the spread has ballooned to 21.5, Purdue is still the worst team in the Big Ten, and Bielema loves to run up a score…especially against an old assistant. Back the Illini at -21.5.

One state over, Washington has to follow up their game of the year with a breakfast date in Iowa City. Good luck with that. Back the Hawkeyes at -2.5.