ChimsNotes for the slows:

• Last week, we took you on a bodacious tour of that pot of teams that might matter this year—those that are knock, knock, knockin’ on playoff’s door—alongside a few click-bait fan favorites [cough Florida State! cough]. If you missed it, check that out as a precursor to this week’s sequel, where we’ll…

• Roll out our priiime pots. Our best shit. Our playoff contenders and—if they exist—our playoff locks. Who looks like the cream of the crop this year? Burt and the boys walk you through it as—that's right—the mother fuckin' BoxSlayer makes his triumphant return! [Tornado sirens blare, jock straps fall from the sky.]

• A humble request as we get set to blast into another season: If each of you loyal readers got just one friend or family member subscribed this week, it’d make a world of difference to us. That would [checks math…double-checks with nerds in back…] double our weekly readership! If you’re able, we’d be incredibly thankful. Now…onto the show!

2025 Preseason Pots - Contender Edition

By BurtReynolds69 and Badger Bill and Dr. Chim Richalds

You know our disclaimer on preseason rankings by now—we don’t do ‘em. Instead, we throw teams into preseason pots. Who’s a lock for the playoff? Who’s a bona fide contender? And who’s sniffing around that contender status?? Jump in with us, folks…the water's fine!

(And remember...within each pot, the teams are laid out in no particular order. We ain’t even gonna pretend to rank-order these teams before any games are played.)

This Pot: Playoff Locks

Nobody!

That’s right. We don’t see anybody on that level this year. In last year’s preseason pots, we fingered—old police term!—Ohio State and Georgia as locks to make the field. And they did! This year? It feels a little more wide open. A product of the portal/NIL era? Perhaps…And you know what? We kinda dig it…

This Pot: Playoff Contenders

Penn State Nittany Lions

Cool uniforms. Dedicated fanbase. Perennial pretenders. [Record scratches] I’m kidding! Shea put the knife down!!

The above slander comprised the entirety of my preseason preview for Penn State last season…And what did James Franklin’s Nittany Beavers go do? They not only made the playoff, but they won a couple postseason games and were a few plays away [cough Allar’s pick! cough] from making the national championship game. This year, they’re among the betting favorites to win the whole thing, and for good reason: they return a ton of proven production on offense (though they did lose All-American tight end Tyler Warren), they boast one of the best offensive lines in the country, and their defense should be stout under new DC Jim Knowles—whom the Nittany Lions poached from Ohio State (heard of ‘em?!). The key question for me: Can Penn State—who’s developed under Franklin a very Penn State-ish identity rooted in a bruising run game and gap-sound gang tackling—now add a vertical threat to its offense? And can quarterback Drew Allar be that guy (pal) when it matters most—that is, in heavyweight conference clashes with Ohio State and Oregon, and in potential do-or-die scenarios in the playoffs? I remain skeptical about the golden boy. I am not, however, skeptical about the rest of this roster. Perhaps in a season without a clearly dominant foe, a Penn State that wants to take you apart like a Western PA steelworker takes apart his Camaro on the weekends will be enough to finally get these boys over the hump. -Burt

Ohio State Buckeyes

Nobody in college football has earned a down year more than Ryan Day, who shook 100,000 shit-tossing, rage-virus monkeys off his back by buying, er, leading his Buckeyes to a big-boy natty last season... Okay, maybe they weren't rage-filled apes, maybe they were Buckeye fans, but it did become hard to tell the difference! (They nearly fired this guy right before they ran off four straight in the playoff.) Ain’t no rest for the weary, though. Ohio State hasn’t lost more than two games in a season since Urban Meyer showed up at the tail end of the first Obama administration. Returning the best player in the game on both sides in the ball—superfreak WR Jeremiah Smith and ball-hawking safety Caleb Downs) and a three-game losing streak to TTUN aka The Team Up North aka cheatin'-ass Michigan, the rabid monkeys in Columbus aren’t interested in waiting another decade to collect their next title. Badger’s big question? It took Ryan Day until this week to name former five-star redshirt freshman Julian Sayin as QB1 after a long battle with junior Lincoln Kienholz. Sayin can definitely chuck it around the yard, despite his less than impressive physical tools. Given that Kienholz is only really noted for his athleticism, Buckeye fans would be sleeping easier had Sayin taken the reins early and led the team through camp. As they say, two girls, one cup… wait, that’s not right… if you have two, you don’t have one. Just a little somethin’ to monitor with this Manning kid coming to town in week one. -Badger

Clemson Tigers

If the Tigers weren’t catching a re-fortified LSU alongside annual in-state rival South Carolina in their non-conference slate, we may have elevated them to “Playoff Lock” status. This looks like Dabo’s best team in several years, and with other traditional contenders in the ACC either down or exceedingly difficult to evaluate, it’s tough to finger—there’s that old police term again!—multiple losses in Clemson’s conference schedule. The Country Gentlemen look superb on both the offensive and defensive lines—a common ingredient of virtually all national championship winners—and are returning to their old ways of stacking elite, game-breaking talent on the outside: Wide receivers Antonio Williams and Bryant Wesco will serve as Riggs and Murtaugh (Lethal Weapons) to returning quarterback Cade Klubnik’s Uncle Rico. That is, I expect Clemson to take Klubnik’s training wheels off and sling it around the yard a little bit this year. If they can do that and pair it with an elite defense and an effective run game?? That’s a tough out. I’ll say this: I think the hype on Klubnik has gotten a bit out of hand this offseason. He’s good. I’m not sure he’s great. But he may not have to be given what he has around him. (“Wait, did he just do the same preview for Penn State and Clemson??” Perhaps! Sometimes football’s not that complicated!) -Burt

Georgia Bulldogs

Georgia fans have gotten used to putting a certain type of product on the football field since the natty runs of ‘21 and ‘22. The ‘Dawgs come into 2025 on the heels of their second “down year” in a row—a year in which they beat Texas twice, won the SEC, and made the CFP quarterfinals—with the tall task of replacing 13 playmakers who’ll be lining up on Sundays come September. Here’s a lukewarm take: this Georgia offense will be better than last year’s despite a relatively untested starter in quarterback Gunner Stockton, and despite losing starting running back Trevor Etienne, AND despite losing four starters on the o-line. The Dawgs still have likely the best TE room in the country, and Nate Frazier showed signs last season that he can be the guy in a Kirby Smart backfield. Georgia picked up a few transfers to bolster that room behind Frazier, but I’m most excited to see hyped freshman Bo Walker. Replacing the “production” lost in the passing game shouldn’t be all that difficult: UGA led the entire nation with 36 dropped passes last year. So just don’t do that, and you'll be fine! The additions of Noah Thomas and Zachariah Branch should give Stockton his most reliable options since he was dishing passes to Malone and Hornacek (ba-zinga!!). Georgia’s offensive line has talent to fill the shoes of the departed—I’m pretty sure this GIF is how every offensive lineman feels any time he bumps into a skill player on the sideline—and I’m especially interested to see what kind of role massive freshman Juan Gaston will play. After taking second-team snaps in the spring, the 6’7”, 360-pound Gaston has seen a lot of first-team action as late. Defensively, the Dawgs are replacing the production of three first-rounders in Mykel Williams, Jalon Walker (damn I'm gonna miss this guy...), and Malaki Starks, and will look to KJ Bolden, Daylen Everette, and Christen Miller to lead what should be another junkyard defense. Georgia again draws a stout conference slate, but at least gets the bulk of their toughest opponents (Alabama, Texas, Ole Miss) between the hedges. I expect the Dawgs to be playing for the SEC championship for the fifth year in a row come December, and then we’ll take it one at a time in the ‘Yoff. -Chim

Texas Longhorns

I’m not gonna sit here and tell you that quarterback Arch Manning—he’s a Manning, like Peyton and Eli!!—can’t come right in and lead the Longhorns to their first national title in 20 years. He’s fucking toolsy. What’s funny is, if you were to describe the Texas program in a word, it might be that: Toolsy (and we’re not talking about McConaughey—hey-ohhh!). But as Longhorn fans well know, tools don’t always work like they’re supposed to (HEY-OHHH!!).

Arch hasn’t yet earned his perch as an accomplished Manning. He’s just some kid right now…with a rocket arm, wheels to make his forefathers blush, and the star power of pre-Trump Kanye. The more important question for Texas, in my opinion—because I’m confident Arch will score points in a Steve Sarkisian offense—is how well the ‘Horns have replaced all the talent they lost from last year’s CFP semifinal squad. They’re completely rebuilding their offensive and defensive lines, and while defensive coordinator Pete Kwiatkowski (aka The Dude) will almost certainly field a top-20 defense (and perhaps better), this roster isn’t proven to an extent that, in my mind, justifies the runaway preseason hype around these guys. Texas will be good. Arch will almost certainly be at least good. But will they win the SEC? Will they win four games in the playoffs? Will they beat Texas A&M, and Oklahoma, and Georgia, and Ohio State? (The schedule is rugged.) We can’t know that yet. But I have a pretty good feeling they’ll be in playoff contention for the duration. That in itself should make Texas fans pretty happy as they enter year two in the SEC. -Burt

Alabama Crimson Tide

In a little over a week, the Crimson Tide are gonna rammer jammer (whatever the frick that means) their way down to Tallahassee for a showdown with Florida State, and we’ll get our first glimpse at what Ty Simpson and the Tide have to offer in yankee carpetbagger Kalen DeBoer's second season in charge. A little over a week ago DeBoer declared Simpson his starter (beating out Washington transfer Austin Mack and five-star freshman Keelon Russell), as Simpson, a redshirt junior, enters his fourth season in Tuscaloosa having attempted only 50 passes in his career to this point. Given Simpson’s lack of experience—and a brawny, experienced, 'Bama-worthy offensive line—the Tide seem likely to lean on their run game early as Simpson finds his feet. Unfortunately they’ll have to do it without senior tailback Jam Miller for at least a few weeks after Miller dislocated his collarbone in the team’s final preseason scrimmage. But this ain't a week one preview, or an early season preview for that matter. This is a season-long preview. The good news for the Elephants is that their road schedule—outside of a trip to Athens in late September—isn't all that intimidating. They’ll face tough matchups against LSU, Tennessee, Auburn, and Oklahoma, but all in the friendly confines of Bryant-Denny. And the good news for Simpson is that he is fortunate to be throwing to arguably the best receiving duo in college football in Ryan Williams and Germie Bernard. DeBoer also brings his long-time offensive coordinator and fellow carpetbagger Ryan Grubb to help craft this year's offense, and Grubb has already proclaimed that this year’s team will not be running a “Jalen Milroe offense" (which I can only assume means that Ty Simpson won't be much of a threat to run). Defensively, the Tide return almost half their starters, which has to feel good for a team that finished 10th in the nation in points allowed last season. I wouldn’t be shocked to see multiple players under center for Alabama this year, but if DeBoer and his staff can get it right, this team should turn into one that no one wants to see in November and beyond. -Chim

Notre Dame Fighting Irish

For those of us who tend to regard Notre Dame’s scheduling (Army, Navy, Purdue, ACC throw-ins, etc.) with a jaundiced eye, it has to be said that this year’s schedule at least begins with a tricky spell: They open with back-to-back games against Miami and Texas A&M, and also catch Boise State, Arkansas, NC State, and what we think will be a resurgent USC in the first half of the season. A deep, gifted roster, which very much reflects the successful job Marcus Freeman continues to do in stocking this program with high-level talent from both the high school and portal ranks, may be up to the task. The Irish return perhaps the best running back in the nation in Jeremiyah Love, who will run behind a typically stout Notre Dame offensive line and will be counted on to take pressure off first-year starting quarterback CJ Carr, a talented but unproven redshirt freshman. New defensive coordinator Chris Ash inherits a talented unit that’s really built back-to-front: Notre Dame, in very un-Notre Dame fashion, may boast the best secondary in the nation, but must replace NFL-bound departures along its defensive front. Still, Freeman has recruited at a level that should allow the Leprechauns to reload, and if this squad can exit the first half of the season with a loss or less, we like them to again make the playoff field. The question all of us are asking is…are they ready to take that next step and have Touchdown Jesus slip-sliding across the frozen water of South Bend in January?? -Burt

Texas A&M Aggies

I’ll say it, and I certainly don’t say it with any glee, because these militant milkmen poached Jimbo Fisher from FSU and have some (all?) of the most cringeworthy traditions in our wonderful sport, but I’m on the verge of anointing the Aggies permanent playoff contenders under second-year head coach Mike Elko. As awe-inspiringly odd as this bunch can be—and in spite of their complete lack of noteworthy accomplishments in the modern era—I think A&M hit an absolute home run with that hire. Elko gets more out of less (see 2023 Duke); his teams play smart, smashmouth football (what more can you ask for? Other than, you know, god-given ability…); and he recruits well, particularly in the trenches. Pair that with a deep-pocketed (thanks a lot, shale!) booster base that’s desperate to win something—anything—and I think you’re looking at a more-than-capable foil to Sarkisian’s Longhorns within the Lone Star State. I love sophomore quarterback Marcel Reed, who looked mentally ready for live-fire directly out of the gate as a true frosh last season, and I expect the defense to take a step forward with Elko back in charge there. With a somewhat favorable SEC schedule—the Aggies avoid both Alabama and Georgia—I expect them to be in the playoff hunt when they visit Texas over Thanksgiving weekend. Perhaps the milkboys pull a surprise there and pop their little playoff cherries… -Burt

USC Trojans

I think Lincoln Riley earns his money this year, and I think we’re early on these guys relative to other outlets (though Badger Bill threw all his honey badger strength against me to keep them out of this pot…). The Trojans’ latex-based defense will be better under second-year coordinator D’Anton Lynn, a rising star in the game, and Lincoln Riley has a knack for coordinating explosive, late-night offensive fireworks. (Has anyone ever bought illegal fireworks from Mexico?? That’s kinda what a revved-up Riley offense looks like.) People seem to forget that USC has been on the cusp during Riley’s tenure—in 2022, USC was 11-1 and ranked #4 before they got son’d and bounced from playoff contention by a brawny Utah outfit—and I’m of the belief that his tenure in Hollywood is not about to come to an end. If the Trojans can win at least one of back-to-back October tilts with Michigan and Notre Dame, we like them to remain in the playoff hunt right to the end. That’s what we call a contender. -Burt

A Triumphant Return

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, the Boxslayer is back with a bushel of preseason picks so that you, the degenerate reader, can stuff your holiday coffers with oodles of stupid cash. In addition to a little Irish Farmageddon action, Big Box is focusing on the long game this week with a series of can’t-miss futures. Call your bookie, load up that account, and let’s get earning.

Farmageddon 2025

Iowa State +3 – O’Boxslayer McGee is lining up the Guinnesses and will be ignoring his family for the first (and somewhat sneaky) ranked v. ranked matchup of the season, as Kansas State and Iowa State clash on Saturday in Dublin, continuing this beautiful Emerald-Island tradition that began in the Year of the Dragon, 1988. Expect a shootout between two high-powered offenses, as returning Iowa State gunslinger Rocco Becht can score some damn points. Box likes the Cyclones to keep up their ATS streak against the Wildcats here. Back ISU at +3. (Bonus Pick! Hit that OVER on 51 total points.)

Heisman Winner

Cade Klubnik +1000 – There hasn’t been a consecutive run of non-QB winners since the Woodson-Williams-Dayne trio of the late 90’s, so don’t expect another Group of Five RB to win it this year. The SEC is going to be a slugfest this year, which will dilute Lil’ Archie’s and Nussmeier’s chances. I like Klubnik coming off a quietly impressive year (3,639 yards, 36 TDs, 6 Ints), and I think he leads the Tigers over LSU in Week 1 and likely to an undefeated regular season to take the trophy. 10:1 odds are too good to pass up here.

Natty Winner

Penn State (!) +700 – Not necessarily a dark horse given the odds, but this team is finally poised to win the big one. They have one of the best offensive backfields in the country, a big and stwong o-line, and even with question marks in the receiving corps, they’ve got the experience and coaching to weather a 16-game schedule. The key game will be November 1 in the Horseshoe, and I think they win that one and never look back.

Conference Winners

ACC: Clemson -140 – Just too good on both sides of the ball. A weak ACC schedule (no Miami), and a weak ACC in general (this ain’t ‘23 Florida State, and Silver Fox Bill ain’t likely to have UNC peaking this early) will make it awful hard for Clemson not to win this league.

Big 10: Penn State +220 – I like ‘em to win the natty, so it makes sense that they’d win the league too, right?? The Big 10 Championship Game is the November 1 showdown at Ohio State. Penn State upsets the Bucknuts and then runs the table.

Big 12: Utah +550 – Hard to pick a favorite here, but past performance and a schedule where the Utes catch most of their conference threats at home favor Whittingham’s boys.

SEC: Georgia +320 – Yes, the Boxslayer is a little biased here…Yes, the Bulldogs are starting a new QB…And yes, UGA still has Mike Bobo calling plays on offense. All that being said, this remains a talented, well-coached team from top to bottom, and with a favorable home schedule against their top competition within the SEC. I like the ‘Dawgs to win the conference again, although it’s going to be a damn slugfest this year. (As an aside, watch out for the Gamecocks… Ya heard it here first!)

Badger Bill’s Lock of the Week

Lance Leipold...Jalon Daniels...Devin Neal...And a big showcase for the sexy renos at The Booth. (Is this the kind of investment that might get the Big Ten’s attention??) Just wayyy too much KU for new Fresno State coach Matt Entz and quarterback Kurt Warner’s Kid. Rock Chalk -12.5. Take it to the bank.

We hope you're all as jacked for the season as we are. You are?! Well then start your Fridays off with a steaming pile of takes by subscribing here! And follow us on Twitter, where you can call us morons, or geniuses, or sex gods, or whatever you'd like, here!