• Well that was freaking wild...Week 1 lived up to the hype—but not in the way all the bozos on the mainstream airwaves said it would: Arch messed his pants, Florida State WAXED THAT ASS, Chapel Bill forgot his Cialis at the beach house, and so on and so forth [trails off in a haughty British accent]. Burt hits you with his RFTs from a crazy Week 1.

• This week's slate? Not quite as appealing!! At least not at first glance...The boys highlight a few interesting matchups alongside the obvious headliner of Michigan-Oklahoma, as Boxslayer and Badger Bill also serve up their locks of the week (spoiler: they've yet to miss a lock this season...).

• Are you digging what we're putting down? Do you like what you see?! [Flexes glutes] Then help us out by sharing us with a friend! Tell 'em to subscribe here. As Chapel Bill likes to say in the bedroom, growth is essential...

Burt’s Rapid Fire Takeaways (RFTs) from a Voluptuous Week One

FSU exorcises 500 days of demons, proves itself a dangerous team in 2025.

Florida State put Alabama—the team that the Tammany Hall machine of college football jammed into the playoff over an undefeated Seminoles squad in ’23—over its knee and spanked until that elephant ass was as red as Roll Tide Willie’s neck, and there wasn’t anything fluky about it: FSU outrushed the Tide 230 to 87, actually lost the turnover battle, and yet led by multiple scores for the majority of the contest. In no universe did I think that kind of domination was possible in a game where ‘Bama was favored by two touchdowns. Tommy Castellanos backed up the offseason talk, the ‘Noles were the more physical team, their coaches had a better plan, and Mike Norvell and co. suddenly look like a very dangerous team in 2025.

It’s a moment of pure, dopamine-inducing catharsis for FSU fans, who have endured nutshot after nutshot since that shameful day in December 2023. Where do the ‘Noles go from here? Expectations have been completely reset in Tallahassee, where a hungry, well-coached team could not resemble any less the soft, listless bunch who slumped to a historically bad 2-10 last season. I continue to have my concerns over depth—FSU still has Miami, Clemson, and Florida to come, with the meat of its conference slate shoved into the back end of its schedule (hey-ohh!!!)—but the ‘Noles now have the opportunity to build on that depth in a soft three-game stretch of East Texas A&M (who??), Kent State, and Virginia. 10,000-foot view: Mike Norvell appears to have recaptured the trust of his players, offensive coordinator Gus Malzahn is back in his old bag with Castellanos at the helm, and Florida State’s defense looks like a Florida State defense again under rising star Tony White. Revel in it, my fellow ‘Noles…Our 500 days of pure, public hell have come to a close.

LSU bags a massive road win as Clemson is left in the familiar position of having to regroup.

Brian Kelly just bagged the biggest victory he's had so far in his time at LSU. Sure, his Tigers beat Alabama in a wild game in year one—with Jayden Daniels, Malik Nabers, Brian Thomas, Jr., and a slew of future NFL players on defense—but his back was against the wall in this one, and the Tigers delivered a massive road win in a venue where road wins are at an absolute premium. Now don't get it twisted: This was a close, defensive battle that Clemson led 10-3 at half. I'm not leaving this game—and you shouldn't leave this game—saying “LSU is LEGIT and Clemson SUCKS.” That's an overreaction. But we can, and should, take a few things away from it. First, LSU's defense IS legit. Second, the hype on Klubnik had gotten out of hand (we called it out in the preseason! Well, except for the Boxman, who picked him to win the Heisman...). Third, well, that's kinda it. We only really had the two.

Looking ahead, I'm going to say with some confidence that Klubnik and co. will almost certainly find their footing against easier competition ahead. Couple that with a predictably stingy defense, and I still fully expect Clemson to be in the thick of the ACC race. What’s an ACC championship game appearance mean for them? A play-in game to the playoff. For LSU, dat Kelly boyah bagged hisself a legit top ten win against a team many were picking to win the national title. That will buoy the Bayou Bengals immensely as they look toward a vicious SEC schedule that begins with a visit from Florida next week. As I said in LSU’s season preview, this win immediately puts them in contention for the national title. That’s why they brought Brian Kelly in, and for now, the adopted Cajun remains alive down on the Bayou.

Alabama needs to decide who they are under Kalen DeBoer.

Well that ain’t it! When Alabama hired Kalen DeBoer away from Washington a season ago, the expectation was that a national-title-competing coach would take a national-title roster to the Alabama standard: That is, annual playoff berths (at least!), and a team that strikes fear into the hearts of its opponents. That team from week one ain’t striking fear into the heart of a puppy at the pound. (I love you Frank!! That’s our puppy from the pound…) Alabama has time to recover—though their passionate and potentially psychotic fanbase likely isn't feeling that way at the moment—so my question is this: Who do the Tide WANT to be under Kalen DeBoer? Because that team in Tallahassee looked like it didn’t have an identity. When Alabama laces 'em up against Tennessee in late October, or LSU in early November, are they going to resemble DeBoer's Washington teams that threw it all over the yard and beat folks 42-28? Or are they going to nut up and play a more old-school brand of football that might actually get some Bama fans back on DeBoer’s side? (I’d probably try that. In my opinion, DeBoer and Grubb abandoned the run game far too early against FSU.)

Ultimately, what they need to do is win. But to win, they’re going to need to know who the hell they are, and they’re going to need to fight their asses off to prove it out. Opportunities abound on this schedule to right the ship, but DeBoer needs to connect with his guys and get them bought into a cohesive vision before one disappointing performance turns to three, and before 'Bama is out throwing its angry weight around on the coaching market again.

The overreaction on Arch will rival the ridiculous preseason hype, as Ohio State looks well ahead of schedule.

How 'bout we start with the team that won?? Ohio State defended its turf against a deluge of fairly unjustified hype, and they did it in a way that probably had Woody Hayes happily banging his head against his coffin top: They choked the life out of Texas with a stifling defense, carefully avoiding putting their first-year starting quarterback Julian Sayin in uncomfortable situations that may have tilted a defensive battle toward the visitors. On the flip side, yeah, Arch completely bombed. He looked jittery from the first, skipping side-arm deliveries to open receivers and generally appearing sped-up in his approach. I'll issue the same warning I gave in response to LSU-Clemson: Don't overreact. The hype on Arch was completely out of hand (and is a marketing thing, when you really get down to it...), but he's still got tools, and Texas will likely be just fine. For Ohio State, the win is a fat, luscious feather in its cap, as the Buckeyes appear ahead of schedule as they work to replace a boatload of talent lost from last year's national title team.

Miami gets over the big-game hump.

Miami won a big game. They outlasted a talented, well-coached Notre Dame team to notch a signature out-of-conference win, even after Mario tried to ruin the damn thing by throttling down to ball-control, man-ball mode with Miami up multiple scores in the second half. This is a big deal for the 'Canes, who will now look toward a suddenly brutal three-game, in-state stretch of at South Florida, Florida, and at Florida State beginning in mid-September. On the Notre Dame side, the Irish have some questions to answer offensively. Namely, why in god's name [crosses self incorrectly] did stud running back Jeremiyah Love get only 10 totes in this game?? First-time starter CJ Carr looked serviceable at quarterback and led a furious rally in the fourth quarter—a good sign for a young player—but the Irish now likely face a must-win at home against Texas A&M in Week 3. Not a particularly comfortable situation for a team coming off a national title game berth.

Chapel Bill is sacked and pillaged by a band of Horny Toads. Now we actually get to see if the Belichick process™ can work at the college level.

Well that was embarrassing. Besides their cocaine high of a touchdown to start, Carolina was absolutely blown off the field by a hungry, angry TCU team in Chapel Bill’s Monday Night (College) Football debut. Carolina looked small, they looked untalented, and they looked poorly-prepared. Now they did fly around at the start; that group was fired up to perform on ESPN’s Belichick Special, but the larger issue is...they're just not very good. And TCU played like sharks. They took advantage of every blunder, they showed up prepared, they showed up ready to bust somebody in the mouth, and they blew out a taped-together, made-for-TV team.

I say all that to then say this: NOW we get to see if the Belichick experiment can work at the college level. So he didn’t build a Super Bowl team in one offseason. But can he work this season to develop a core of players he trusts, who really want to be there—not to star in the drama, but to work under an all-time developer—and can he build from there? Is his old ass committed to that kind of process? Anyone who was expecting Carolina to win 9+ games this year was high (potentially on cocaine). Belichick will need to build this thing from the ground up. If the Heels can pick themselves up off the mat, win a couple they’re not expected to win, and perhaps finish a respectable 7-5 while developing that core, maybe they can make something of this season. Carolina fans need to steel themselves—and that includes staying their wine-and-cheese asses in the seats beyond the second quarter of the first god damn game—for a build, or this won’t work. Perhaps it won’t work anyway. But you hire a builder to build. Now let’s see who’s committed to the damn thing.

That Good Good: Game Previews

Michigan at Oklahoma, 7:30pm ET, ABC, Oklahoma -5.5

By Badger Bill

As they love to tell EVERYONE, the Michigan Wolverines boast the record for most wins in college football history. One thousand and thirteen to date… But not one has come in a true road game against an SEC opponent.

Hell, they haven’t even played one. Okay fine, they did once travel to then-independent South Carolina when Bo Schembechler was prowling the sidelines, but that’s all, folks…Apparently the trademark Harbaugh Scheduling Model dates back to the 1870s. But apparently it’s a new day for Michigan’s new-ish head man, and a Sooner man, at that! Michigan coach and Oklahoma alum Sherrone Moore takes the Maize & Blue and his freshman QB back to his roots. Bryce Underwood can cement his $12 million, 5-star status in just his second career start. His debut was very solid. He gave it a C+. Michigan fans are booking playoff tickets based on game one. The truth will be (somewhat) revealed down in Twister country—RIP Bill Paxton—on Saturday night.

On the OU side, the road to stardom was a wee bit longer for new Sooner QB John Mateer. One P5 offer to Washington State. Two years backing up Cam Ward. Then BAM…Pac-12 Player of the Year!! Surrre there were only two teams in the Pac-12, which they lost. And Wazzu went 8-5, ending on a 4-game losing streak. Erroneous! Erroneous on both counts! Mateer was awesome as a dual threat menace, leading the nation in touchdowns (29 passing, 15 rushing)... But the competition was weak. Michigan is not. Mateer and OC Ben Arbuckle, whom Mateer followed from WSU to OU, need to prove their game shines brighter than the Pac-12 After Dark.

Badger’s Pick: Nothing comes easy to either offense. Early season. The first big spotlight for both QBs… But Mateer wears the shades, and Mateer makes the plays. Boomer 24-20.

Kansas at Missouri aka The Border War, 3:30pm ET, ESPN2 aka The Deuce, Missouri -6.5

By Big 12 Beav

My dear, naive wife suggested that we perhaps head over to Columbia, Missouri to tailgate for this game. I calmly responded to her: “HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND?!? DO YOU WANT BATTERIES CHUCKED AT YOUR HEAD?! DO YOU WANT TO GET CUSSED OUT ALL MORNING BY A BELLIGERENT DRUNK MISSING HALF HIS DAMN TEETH? DO YOU?!” [Gathers self]  Luckily every hotel and Airbnb in that hellhole of a town is sold out, so I won an argument for once. I will admit that in my younger days, I had a delightful time in Columbia tailgating for a non-KU football game. Those bastards threw one of my shoes down a storm drain that day.

Here’s my thing: You can keep your Cocktail Parties and your Red Rivers—I’ll take the Border War all day. Kansas and Missouri started playing football in 1891, just 28 years after Missourians burned Lawrence, Kansas—my hometown—to the ground. And yes, Kansas did reciprocate (what were we supposed to do??)…I’m not painting this as one-sided. But the point is that Kansas and Missouri went from murdering and terrorizing each other to tackling in 28 years. A generation. Like jilted ex-lovers, these teams refused to play each other since Missouri left for the SEC. There will be 15 years of built-up angst and aggression and pageantry on display in Columbia this Saturday afternoon. Do me, and do yourself, a favor: watch this game.

I guess I should talk about the actual football here for a bit. These teams are going to throw the kitchen sink at each other. Missouri views this game as fairly straightforward: they’re the SEC team with better talent, they went 10-3 last year, and they should roll over the lowly Jayhawks of the lowly Big 12. Not so fast my friend!! The teams are actually pretty similar by my eye: Both teams have strong defensive lines but question marks along their offensive lines. If either team can keep their QB upright and give them time, they’ll have the advantage. Missouri’s QB Beau Pribula comes over from Penn State and the shadow of Drew Allar. He’s very mobile, and mobile quarterbacks gave KU fits last year, but this will be Pribula’s first “real” game as a starter. KU’s Jalon Daniels has been in college longer than Perry Ellis (a KU basketball player that seemed to stick around for about 15 years). Injuries are also a factor despite it being early in the season: Mizzou lost their excellent kicker after he hit 49 and 55 yarders last week, and KU is down 3 in its linebacker two-deep. It’s a mess! And it’s going to be extremely entertaining.

Big 12 Beav’s pick: This pick ain't about spreadsheets or spreads because I hate Missouri. To quote Grandpa Simpson, “I’ll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missourah.” The Jayhawkers pull a narrow, passionate upset on the road, 28-27.

USF at Florida, 4:15pm ET, SEC Network, Florida -17.5

A sneaky early test for the Gators. USF put a scare into Alabama in the non-conference last season, and they looked like perhaps the best Group of Five team in their dismantling of an admittedly mistake-prone Boise State last week. This line looks too large to me. THAT SAID, Florida was sharp in a business-like disemboweling of Long Island University (huh??), and should have a pretty significant advantage in the trenches here. USF's staff—a good one led by up-and-coming head man Alex Golesh—will be hoping they catch the Gators looking ahead to an absolutely ludicrous four-game stretch of at LSU, at Miami, Texas, at Texas A&M (what?! Insane...), and if they do, I wouldn't be at all surprised if this is a game into the fourth quarter. If Florida plays the kind of well-rounded game their fans are expecting—dominant trench play, elite quarterbacking, dynamic playmaking—then they'll fire a shot across the bow of all those heavies they've got coming up. I think the reality falls somewhere in between. USF plays with their hair on fire, but Florida finds its footing in the second half and pulls away late. Gators 34-20.

Boxslayer’s Weekly Boondoggle

(Season record: 3-4; Lock of the Week record: 2-0)

Week 1 Recap: That’s two in a row for my Lock of the Week. Remember that! Now overall I ended a crazy weekend 2-3, but the early season is tough in this NIL, transfer portal era. This week, Boxslayer will be formally introducing a parlay play we can actually hit. It’s my weekly Three-Way, which I’ll be sharing each week alongside my Lock of the Week. Box is going to bet on these individually, and then parlay these puppies to maximize his inevitable gains. We’ll keep track of units throughout the year (each three-way bet is 1-unit) so you can see how much fun we’re all having! [High five!] Good luck, and happy betting.

Boxslayer's Lock of the Week: Cy-Hawk – I swore to myself that I would lay off Iowa teams this year. No need to bring Box Family Drama into the equation. But goddammnit, I can’t not go with ole GrandBox’s Cyclones in this one. Iowa’s lack of offense will hurt them as they face a stiff defense with two games already under its belt. Rocco and Co. can score in a variety of ways and will show off at home, easily covering the field goal (and hook) spread. Back the Cyclones in this one at -3.5.

Big Box’s Sexy New Three-Way Play

1. Ole Miss -8.5 – Revenge game for the Rebs. They can score in bunches and will do so here—powered by the spite of Lane Kiffin—against a team that likely kept them out of the playoff last season.
2. South Florida +17.5 – Florida looked good against their cupcake, but the Bulls looked great against an admittedly depleted Boise State. The Gators will win this one, but expect USF to keep it competitive and cover a surprisingly large spread.
3. SMU -2.5 - Home game for the ‘Stangs in what will likely be a competitive and high scoring affair. SMU wins a close one but covers the spread.

Badger Bill’s B1G Lock of the Week

(Season record: 2-0)

Not so fast, Box.

America’s corniest rivalry is gettin’ shucked up for edition #72 on Saturday. The prize? America’s stupidest trophy…The Cy-Hawk…with nary a cob to be seen! Based on the first couple weeks, the Cyclones look like an easy pick, buuut TIGHT and WEIRD come as natural to this game as the cornfields themselves (Children of the Corn anybody?? “Malachi! He wants you too!!”). The Hawkeyes haven't lost in Ames since 2011. Iowa State hasn’t won the matchup by more than 3 points since 2005. Who are we to challenge nature? Back Iowa at +3.5.

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