Quick Hits for Nitwits

• That field of warted gourds your wife wants you to whisk her off to this weekend? Sorry babe! Not gonna make it! The entire weekend is fucking stacked!!

• Georgia-Alabama, Oregon-Penn State, LSU-Ole Piss, and on and on (the Ryder Cup!!). Burt and the Boys get you primed (go ahead and cough for me…) so that your drunken ramblings are tinged with real knowledge this Saturday night.

• Folks, I’m gonna level with you…Last week, I said subscriber growth had been solid. Yeah, solid like the North Korean economy’s solid. It’s been a trickle. We don’t want a trickle. We want a girthy stream. Please, if you can think of a couple buddies who would enjoy our weekly shenanigans, help us get ‘em subscribed! Now let’s get it!

Burt's RFTs from Week 4

Holy shit did Indiana lay some wood...

Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, Indiana fan. Cigs’ boys absolutely obliterated a pretty decent Illinois team last weekend, and it’s high time we all took Indiana seriously as a top 10 outfit. That’s it. That’s all I got. Take Indiana seriously. Cignetti's reloaded and these boys merit attention in a Big Ten that's very much up for grabs.

Dabo's in trouble upstate.

Allll the warning signs are there...A talented team playing well below its potential. A salty coach acting like a douche in press availabilities. A team who all of a sudden has nothing to play for relative to its preseason goals. We've seen this tape before. Can Dabo right the ship again? I'm not so sure...The Tigers have gradually slid from their perch atop the sport, and this was supposed to be their year to reclaim that status. Instead they just got pantsed at home by a Syracuse team likely to win 6-ish games in a gettable ACC, and Dabo's already, in Week 5, pulling from the scripture. "Hell yeah I'm washed...washed in the blood of the lamb!"

Texas Tech cashes in on portal investment, looks like a player in the Big 12.

Big Beav called another one folks! In Big 12 country, we say “TAIL THE BEAV.” Texas Tech put Utah in a submission hold last Saturday and they just kept squeezin’. A great win for a program that’s all-in on securing their seat at the table, and this team may be built the right way: stout along the lines of scrimmage, deep with playmakers, much improved on defense, and with a pretty favorable schedule in a Big 12 that looks deep with decent teams but light on true heavyweights.

Games that Matter

#17 Alabama at #5 Georgia, 7:30pm, ABC, UGA -2.5

By Dr. Chim Richalds

It’s been almost a year to the day since these two teams last went head to head, and Georgia would do well to forget how that one started. But just to remind our readers! ‘Bama jumped out to a QUICK 28-0 lead under the lights of Bryant-Denny and then stemmed a late surge by the Dawgs to come out with a wild 41-34 win. Feels like we're giving up 41 points in big September road games a little too often, you guys!

Like a couple weekends ago in Knoxville and last year in Tuscaloosa, UGA couldn’t avoid giving up explosive, morale-killing plays early and often. Kicking that habit will be a tough task on Saturday night, as Ty Simpson looks to have settled in and is increasingly finding the two-headed monster of Germie Bernard and Ryan Williams for chunk plays down the field.

After a surprising-to-some (but not Burt…) loss to open the season at Florida State, Alabama has gotten back on track, easily handling Louisiana-Monroe and Badger Bill’s Wisconsin Badger Bills. Their roster gets better this weekend with the welcomed return of two key starters: running back Jam Miller and big ole nose tackle Tim Keenan.

Georgia’s offensive line is still dinged and may be staring down another big loss with starting RT Earnest Greene listed as doubtful. Juan Gaston, who isn’t listed on the injury report and who did play at Tennessee, is still nursing two bad ankles from separate injuries sustained early in the season. The resulting group is relatively inexperienced and particularly vulnerable in pass protection, as we saw last week when Stockton was sacked 4 times (with one resulting in a strip-sack fumble).

That said (!), Georgia moved the ball extremely well against the Vols, both on the ground and through the air. Dynamic change-of-pace back Dwight Phillips, who walked off the field with a foot injury last weekend, has been practicing all week and seems to be healthy enough to give it a go. The depth in Georgia’s running back room will continue to be the key to opening up that passing game. We begged last week to tear open the playbook and let Gunner sling it, and by God it happened. Let’s continue with that explosive mentality on Saturday.

On the other side, there’s no shortage of talent in Georgia’s front 7, but the Dawgs haven’t been getting to the quarterback like Kirby’s teams typically do. If Georgia can’t rely on the boys up front to consistently apply pressure, then let’s scheme something up, Schumann! Getting to Simpson early and often in a packed Sanford has the potential to stymie Simpson and co. and, potentially, deflate the Crimson Tide.

Chim’s pick: UGA hasn’t beaten Alabama in the state of Georgia since 2003, and yet this is Kirby’s first-ever home game against his old squad. It’s Sanford Stadium, under the lights. Dawgs haven’t lost a home game since 2019. Jawja gets it done, 31-24.

#6 Oregon at #3 Penn State, 7:30pm ET, NBC, Penn State -3.5

By Badger Bill

It would be easy to sit here and shit on James Franklin for his inability to win the big one. And guess what…that’s exactly what I'm here to do!!

1-15. That’s Franklin’s record against AP Top 5 opponents at Penn State. Must be his lucky week…the Ducks clock in at #6! But that won’t make the Nittany Lion faithful sleep any better. Franklin's 4-20 record against top 10 opponents rings just as loud...

Look, it’s not all bad news for the Nittany Beavers. They avoid both Ohio State and Michigan this year—that hasn’t gone well!—and they’re on home turf for this one. State College will be LOUD for a classic White Out night game, so Franklin can’t even complain about a Big Noon Kickoff here! (Oh wait, he still did…)

If there was ever an opportunity for Penn State to shake off the stink and get a big win, this'd be the week. But James Franklin is still James Franklin. For that matter, Drew Allar is still Drew Allar. [Chime] You can find 107,000 vomit bags in your seatback pockets.

Enter Dan Lanning’s Oregon Ducks. Though they haven't really played anyone so far this season—Oregon’s four opponents are a combined 4-10 with zero wins against FBS teams—the Ducks have dominated the schedule in front of them.

If Oregon's going to accomplish what oh so many have done before them—beat a James Franklin-led Penn State in a big game—it will be a breakout party for highly-touted Oregon quarterback Dante Moore. The former 5-star had an up-and-down freshman season under Chip Kelly at UCLA before transferring and redshirting last season. Sitting behind Dillon Gabriel seemed to do him well. So far, so good.

But Happy Valley at night is a different beast... Moore has never played in an environment like this before. Not even close. Pass that test? And Duck fans can start booking their return trip to the Big Ten Championship. A playoff spot wouldn’t be far behind. But I don't know...I'm getting a funny feeling...

Badger’s Pick: My god, what kind of disorder does it take to actually take James Franklin in this kind of game? Maybe I just need to see Dante Moore actually do the thing. Or maybe it’s all that prenatal Tylenol I was subjected to...I mean, if not now, WHEN?? Penn State does the damn thing, 30-27.

Florida State at Virginia, Friday, 7:30pm, ESPN, FSU -7

By BurtReynolds69

Is that a gold Trans Am?? Yeah, you bet your ass it is. What’s it doing here?? Well folks, I’m rolling out a new feature here…It’s…Burt’s Gold Trans Am Lock of the Year! This line is SCREAMING for you to back my 'Noles as single-score favorites. Bet your mortage. Bet your kids' college funds. Bet the pink slip to your dad's Jetta!!

Don’t get me wrong here—Virginia’s no slouch this season. Tony Elliott’s finally got some guys in this program, especially on offense, and FSU won’t hold that unit down entirely. Quarterback Chandler Morris—a veteran, dual-threat gunslinger—and a pair of dynamic receivers in Trell Harris and Jahmal Edrine stand out as potential problems. But I can’t see the Wahoos keeping pace for 60 minutes with Florida State, who's looked both explosive and buttoned-up on both sides of the ball in a dominant 3-0 start.

If Tommy Castellanos can move—his ankle got rolled up on in FSU’s rectal exam of Kent State but he’s expected to play on Fridee night (to me, concerns over his health must be what's keeping this line where it is)—I think Virginia’s defense is in trouble, and absent a wild, turnover-filled affair, I think this one gets out of hand in the second half behind a bruising, dynamic rushing attack that allows FSU to score touchdowns—not field goals—when they enter the red area. The ‘Noles have too many playmakers, they’re too physical, and they understand the importance of this game as a precursor to a potentially massive looming affair with archrival Miami. Holy shit I hope I didn't just jinx us...

Burt’s Pick: Virginia makes some plays early and it’s nip and tuck (RIP Nip Tuck guy) during the first half, but FSU pulls away in the second half behind a superior depth of talent. 'Noles, 41-20.

Boxslayer's Weekly Boondoggle!

Week 4 Recap: I’m going to admit it; I missed the Utah game badly. I watched the entire thing and was shocked that at the end of Q1, they were only down 7 points. They looked like a mediocre high school team. Penalties, turnovers, poor QB play, etc. Defense gave up in the 2nd half (I don’t blame them after watching the offense blow it).

On the flip side, Big Box nailed the first (of many) Three-Ways to make up for the BoxLock loss!

Boxslayer’s BoxLock of the Week (BoxLocks Season Record: 2-3)

Auburn at Texas A&M – Auburn is coming off an emotional loss where they got absolutely shafted by a non-call on a Mickey Mouse trick play from Oklahoma...but also gave up TEN sacks. Unfortunately for them, they're now headed to a difficult environment at Kyle Field to play an Aggie team still riding high—and enjoying a bye—off their huge road win at Notre Dame. Auburn will struggle to score here, and the Aggies ultimately cover this one easily: Back A&M at -6.5.

Big Box’s Weekly Three-Way Play (Three-Way Plays Hit: 1)

1. Georgia -2.5 – Revenge game + home field advantage = UGA Cover. Dawgs are blacking out Sanford (in every sense of the word…). Tide fans better hope they don’t play Soulja Boy…IYKYK.
2. Kansas – 6.5 – ROCK CHALK BABY…I love Kansas in the early Big 12 slot here. Lawrence and that revamped stadium have been a tough place to play so far this year, and should remain so in Week 5.
3. LSU +2.5 – This line is rooightfully toooight, but the wrong team is laying the points here. LSU’s better than Ole Miss. Joey Freshwater’s O hasn’t played a D like this yet and I expect a low-scoring affair. LSU eeks out a close one, and Box is on the Corn Dogs outright.

Badger Bill’s B1G Lock of the Week

(The Badger’s B1G Lock Season Record: 4-1)

Hey, you can’t win ‘em all.

USC had the win and the cover in the bag: A few minutes left in a blowout. The game all but over. And bang…One 75-yard TD bomb later, and down goes perfection. But we’re moving on! Honey Badger doesn’t give a shit!

After their late night tussle with Michigan State, those same Trojans are making their 2nd trip to the Midwest in 3 weeks for a brunch date in Champaign. Yes, I know Bielema and co. are still licking their wounds after the drubbing delivered to them by the Fightin’ Cignettis. But Illinois is a better team than they showed Saturday night, and sometimes you just get caught on the tracks with a freight train comin’. Give me the points against a road-weary USC team, and I’ll be eyeballing a jump to a touchdown spread by kickoff. Back the Illini at +6.5.

New here? Then get in the damn boat! We'll keep you locked in all season.