If you only read this...

1. #3 Texas at #10 Michigan: Defending national champs host en vogue natty pick as two heavyweight programs clash at High Noon.
2. We promised we'd help you make some money this year, and we never lie. Introducing...the BoxSlayer and his trademark five-game parlay!
3. From undefeated to deceased by Week 2...what happened to FSU?
4. New to TTM? Like what you see?! ::flexes calves:: Subscribe here!

#3 Texas @ #10 Michigan

By Michael Brown

Noon ET, FOX, Michigan +7.5

The Texas Longhorns head to the Big House in the first real test of the season for both teams, and in the only truly marquee matchup of Week 2 (unless you’re from Iowa…). Both squads made the final edition of the four-team playoff last season, with Texas losing to Washington and with Michigan–sans Connor Stalions, who had fled to LA to begin his adult film career–topping Alabama and then Washington to win the whole damn thing. Shockingly, Saturday’s showdown marks only the second time in history these two teams have squared off, the only prior meeting being the 2005 Rose Bowl, where Vince Young and the ‘Horns won a thriller (wee-hee!! Chimone!) 39-38. 

Though Texas entered the season with their highest preseason rank since 2010–they checked in at number four in both the AP and Coaches–they showed an edge in Week 1 as they handled business against an overmatched Colorado State team. Super important update: Peyton and Eli’s genetically engineered nephew Arch found Silas Bolden for his first career “passing” touchdown–it was a one-yard shovel pass on an admittedly tasty little bit of improv–and later bagged his first career rushing touchdown. This, of course, happened with the ‘Horns already up 38-0, as the starting job still belongs to Quinn Ewers (we miss the mullet), who had a solid showing: 260 yards and three touchdowns through the air.

This week will obviously be a different kind of test. The ‘Horns are replacing essentially all of their receiving talent this year through the portal, and their running game suffered major hits in the offseason with injuries to CJ Baxter and Christian Clark. If Texas can tune out the shrill screams of 110,000 lawyers and accountants and keep the offense firing like it was in their opener, they could move to 2-0 and bank a resume building win that may come in handy later in the season, particularly if they trip up a couple times in conference play. 

As for Big Blue, the Wolverines looked a bit shaky in the first game of the post-Harbaugh era against Fresno State. Sure, they won by 20 and the game never really seemed in doubt, but Fresno State pulled it to within a single score in the fourth quarter, and Michigan outgained the Bulldogs only 269 to 244. Given the sheer amount of key personnel–both on and off the field (best of luck in LA Connor! And we hope you find a good milk guy Jim!)–the Wolverines lost after last season, it’s not all that surprising to see them still finding their footing a bit, and they did slide a spot in the AP Poll to number ten. If Michigan wants to win this game, our feeling is it’s going to come on the backs of backfield duo Kalel Mullings and Donovan Edwards, as Sherrone Moore continues to work to figure out his quarterback situation and will likely again play both Davis Warren and Alex Orji.

Michigan’s defense did look characteristically stingy in Week 1, allowing only 9 rushing yards (!) to Fresno State, so if they can shut down Texas’ rushing attack, perhaps they can put Ewers and his new receivers in an uncomfortable position in a tense, loud, four-quarter battle. Simply put, we expect a better effort from Michigan this week. 

Side note: This will be one of the sexiest jersey matchups we’ll see all year. Texas will be in their fresh-to-death road whites, with Michigan in their classic Maize and Blue. I’m getting a clue just thinking about it…

Dr. Chim Richalds’ pick: Ann Arbor, Michigan. 110,000 in attendance. Home ‘dawgs. Doesn’t matter. I gotta go against BoxSlayer (see below...) on this one. Texas covers, 28-14.

Meet...The BoxSlayer

Introducing…from Augusta, Georgia (and Florida and Mississippi and South Carolina—no one claims more hometowns than this guy)...the bet laying, kiss stealing, Rolex watch wearing (whoo!) king of the 5-game parlay…BoxSlayer!!! (The crowd erupts, underpants shower the stage, etc.)

An Introductory Message from The BoxSlayer:

Let this be a PSA that I’m a feel guy. If I’m a flip wedge into a green, I don’t bring my yardage finder out to know if I’m 61 or 64 yards out. I look at the green, know my shot, and shoot it. Does it work? Absolutely. Does it fail? Sometimes. This is my betting philosophy, and it's why I’m the BoxSlayer. When I’m betting multi-unit games, yeah, I look at all the nerd factors that might influence the game (past performance, hard data, fancy computer calculators, etc.). But ultimately I go with my gut. Here’s what my gut's telling me this week:

BoxSlayer's Pick of the Week (5 units)

Iowa -2.5

My grandfather is rolling over in his grave as I pick his alma mater’s arch rival, but Iowa is going to beat Iowa State handily this weekend. Kinnick Stadium will be electric coming off what might be the best offensive performance by Iowa in its program’s history. Instead of cheering on the punt team, the Hawkeyes will be putting that energy into the kicking squad as BoxSlayer sees another high-scoring outing for the Iowa offense. Cade McNamara builds on his performance last week and Iowa wins the Cy-Hawk rivalry by 10+ points, easily covering this -2.5-point spread.

BoxSlayer’s Trademark 5-game parlay (let’s keep it at 1 unit this week):

Georgia Tech -2.5
The ‘Jackets are playing loose and free and I like this team. Ramblin’ Wreck rolls this week.

Pitt +2
Yinzers are on the road, but they have a high-powered offense and will be too much for the Bearcats.

Michigan +7.5
System play here. Home ‘dawg, ranked in top ten, getting more than a touchdown. Have to take the defending National Champs in the Big House.

Auburn -13.5
Hard to bet against a team that just put up 73 points. Hot and humid afternoon will be tough for the Cal Bears and Auburn runs the score up in the second half.

Tennessee -8.5
Tough neutral-site game for the Vols, but they have an electric offense. NC State looked very beatable in Week 1 and the Vols overpower them on both sides of the ball, covering fairly comfortably.

Teams That (Don't) Matter: A Week 1 Eulogy for FSU

By Sam Ranson

Well fuck.

When I pitched a few buddies this past offseason on the idea of putting together a college football newsletter this fall, I definitely did it, at least partially, because I was really enjoying the sport at the time. Though college football was undergoing a rapid transformation, I felt like I had a pretty good grasp on those changes, and even felt confident—and I still feel this way—that most of them were for the better. I felt like I was old enough, had enough seasons under my belt, to write about the game with the appropriate perspective, to talk about it through its appropriate historical lens. And yeah, I was feeling pretty damn good about the state of both my programs: the Georgia Bulldogs and…the Florida State Seminoles (deep sigh…..soft fart).

Florida State just died in week one of the 2024 season. When they lost, at home, to Boston College, on national television, as the heavy favorite in the only football game on TV on Labor Day Night, this FSU team signed in ink a shockingly rapid return to depths that we as Seminole fans hoped we’d never again see, or at least, that we were certain we’d never again see under Mike Norvell.

Boston College—a school with modest historical success in its own right, but also with far less resources than Florida State, with a far less costly roster from an NIL standpoint, with far fewer natural advantages than FSU, and with a brand new head coach in former Penn State and Houston Texans coach Bill O’Brien (yeah, this was his very first game…)—cooly walked into Doak Campbell Stadium on a hot, muggy, late-summer night and pushed the Seminoles around like a dysfunctional, disinterested, soft, scaredy ass high school team.

As Georgia Tech did a week before, the Eagles did what they wanted, when they wanted. They were permitted, with virtually zero resistance, to play exactly the type of game they wanted to play. No disrespect to a team that came in and did its thing—don’t blame your enemy for taking advantage of your incompetence—but under no circumstance should any BC team be able to waltz into Doak and so thoroughly dictate terms to Florida State.

It's really this simple, and it’s somehow really this simple less than 8 months after 2023 Florida State went 13-0 with a bevy of future NFL studs and, perhaps more importantly, with a culture of resilience that would make Rudy Ruettiger randy: 2024 FSU lacks leaders. It lacks toughness. It lacks talent, (or at least, talent that cares to maximize its potential at the college level). Its coaches lack an understanding of the strengths (to the extent that there are any) and weaknesses of their team. FSU lacks the positive, resilient, cohesive culture that defined their climb back to national relevance under Mike Norvell.

On the one hand, it may be the most high-profile repudiation of a roster-building strategy that’s relied heavily on the transfer portal. That’s probably music to some of your ears. Where FSU hit—and hit big—with transfers like Jared Verse, Keon Coleman, and Braden Fiske, all of whom heard their names called in the first two rounds of last year’s NFL draft, this year’s crop of replacement players (shoutout Shane Falco!) appears to include a fat stack of misses. 

Perhaps even more concerning, based on the general malaise we’ve seen out of the ‘Noles as they’ve been bullied by two middle-of-the-pack (at best) ACC programs, it seems fair to ask the question of whether Norvell and his staff, in their desperation to maintain a high level of play in the shadow of last year’s playoff snub, cut corners from a cultural standpoint to secure what they viewed as high-end talent. If that’s true (which we’ll never really know), it’s highly troubling, because culture—the team’s work ethic, their willingness to battle for playing time within crowded position groups, their fight in the face of adversity—has been Norvell’s cornerstone. If that’s somehow gone, 2024 could get extremely ugly for my Seminoles, who, yes, to the 100 of you who have texted me with this hilarious (!!) quip, are no longer a team that matters this season.

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