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'Bama Does it Again as Our Updated Team Tiers Give a Coast-to-Coast Vibe Check
Bart Simpson knows his college football folks...

CliffNotes for the Cool Kids:

  • Well god damnit…the Gumps got our ‘Dawgs again. Hats off to ‘em, hats off to Kalen DeBoer for fielding the better prepared team, and hats off to Jalen Milroe for not only being the physical freak we already knew he was, but for having apparently grown a great deal as a passer.

  • Look, we’re not gonna sugarcoat it…it ain’t the greatest slate this week (don’t worry, next week is yoked). So we thought we’d take the opportunity to update our Team Tiers: Playoff Locks, Playoff Contenders, and those Knocking at the Door are all profiled below.

  • Rumor has it BoxSlayer’s exile may end ahead of next weekend’s rager. For now, stay hot with Badger Bill’s B1G Lock of the Week.

  • Finally, and we think you’re gonna like this one, we’re debuting a new feature this week: Letters to the Lads! Have we made you mad and/or super butthurt? Do you feel like Badger Bill vastly overrates the middle tier of the Big Ten? Do you just hate FSU and want to rub salt in BurtReynolds69's many, many wounds? Drop us a line by replying directly to this email and we’ll do our best to address your nonsense in a future edition!

Updated Team Tiers aka Nationwide Vibe Check

Tier 1: Playoff Locks

Alabama Crimson Tide

Gotta give ‘em the top spot here after they survived a frantic late charge from Georgia to win (another) clash of the perennial SEC titans last week. And oh, the Tide may have the best player in the country in quarterback Jalen Milroe, who shredded the ‘Dawgs for 347 yards passing (27 for 33 (!!) with two touchdowns) and 119 yards rushing (and two more touchdowns), and appears to have grown leaps and bounds as a passer since last season. A couple tough tests coming up (at Tennessee and at a likely desperate LSU team), but it’s hard to bet against these guys if they’re going to gameplan and execute like that. They’re a playoff lock for us.

Jalen Milroe hauling ass for yet another 'Bama touchdown...
Jalen Milroe hauling ass for yet another 'Bama touchdown...

Texas Longhorns

They manhandled Michigan, we expect them to overwhelm an Oklahoma team still finding itself on offense, and then whether they beat Georgia or not, it’s pretty diffcult to see the committee leaving a well-hyped, one- (or even two-) loss Texas team out of a 12-team ‘yoff. They’re balanced, they’re physical, they’re dynamic, they’re deep…They’re a dangerous bunch in year 4 under Steve Sarkisian.

Ohio State Buckeyes

Haven’t played anybody. I mean, literally haven’t played a real football game yet. But we believe they’re an extremely talented football team. What does that talent do when it’s tested? Can anyone on their schedule—they’ve got Oregon and Penn State this month—actually test them? Here’s the rub: We can’t see them losing more than one game this season, and there’s zero chance a one-loss Ohio State gets left out. They’re a lock.

Tier 2: Playoff Contenders

Tennessee Volunteers

The Vols are every bit a playoff contender, but are just getting into the meat of their schedule. Sneaky little test at Arkansas this Saturday night. For all you old hat Vol fans out there, I remember that ’99 game against Arkansas where my boy Clint Stoerner led an early Houston Nutt ‘Hawg team to the upset, and I remember that six-overtime thriller in ‘02 with the Great White Hope Matt Jones. In all, Tennessee’s actually lost the last three against these pigs, but enough of this hogwash…while we expect Arkansas to put up a nice fight on Saturday night, the Vols should run away with it in the end and set themselves up for a gigantic Third Saturdee in October! clash with Alabama in a couple weeks.

Miami Hurricanes

For the first time in history—in football, at least…the ACC did this all the time to protect Coach K’s Duke teams—the ACC phoned in a call to protect one of its top teams, and they did it for…Miami?!?! Wonderful! The jabronis who have contributed ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to the conference during their 20+ years here! That’s rad!! To put it bluntly, Virginia Tech got fucked. They played a better game, they led for most of it, and they deserved to win. If you’re going to call that Hail Mary a catch on the field, well there sure as shit wasn’t enough evidence—I mean, there wasn’t any evidence—on video to overturn it. Bullshit. Still, Miami’s a physical, confident team, and it’s going to be a dogfight between them and Clemson for top billing in the ACC. We like them to be in the playoff hunt until the very end.

Georgia Bulldogs

Well that fucking sucked. The ‘Bama curse apparently continues, even with Saban now sitting angrily, evilly, lifelessly up in a Bryant-Denny luxury box. The ‘Dawgs got off to their now-customary dogshit start against the Tide last Saturday night, finding themselves in a 28-0 hole before most of the women at the watch party even realized how funny-looking Carson Beck may or may not be. Georgia fans will again criticize a lack of early creativity from offensive coordinator Mike Bobo, but what was much more surprising and perhaps even more concerning was how flat-footed Kirby Smart’s defense looked. Not only did Milroe get his on the ground (through both designed runs and scramble drills), but he found fairly open intermediate throws all throughout the first half as ‘Bama moved the ball up and down the field in chunks. You do have to praise Georgia’s response, as the ‘Dawgs rallied to actually take the lead with a couple minutes left in the fourth quarter—before immediately giving up a long touchdown pass to teeny-bopper heartthrob Ryan Williams—but Georgia fans will now be stuck wondering, at least until the Texas game in a few weeks but more likely until they face ‘Bama again, why it is they seem to start slow in big games? A reeling Auburn squad awaits on Saturday, and something tells us Hugh Freeze might be putting in some very late nights in his office this week…

Penn State Nittany Lions

Okay, looking fine. Took care of a plucky Illinois squad in primetime last week. Well done boys. Now they’re at USC in a couple weeks, and then they’ve got that monster home game against Ohio State the first weekend in November. What’s it gonna be?? Huge opportunity to prove the haters wrong over the next month, and Penn State appears to have the type of team we imagine their fans adore: hard-nosed, run-first, physical defense, but—and we get this is probably getting old for our Nittany Lion readers—can Drew Allar lead his team to a late touchdown drive in a game they can’t win 21-7? We’re fixing to find out over the next month.

Oregon Ducks

Perhaps not as dominant so far as we were expecting them to be, getting somewhat lucky to slip past Boise State at home in Week 2. But they’re undefeated, and we really only see a couple more teams on their schedule we feel are capable of testing them. And buddy, we’re going to get a REAL good look up this bull’s ass when the butcher (Ohio State) comes to town in a couple weeks, or wait…yeah…we think we got that saying right…

Tier 3: Knocking at the Door

Notre Dame Fighting Irish

Hate it all you want, fans of [insert southern team], but if Notre Dame makes it to the end of the season with only one loss, they’re in. The Irish are on bye this week, and the schedule from here is exceedingly manageable.

Missouri Tigers

Tough one this week at a rising Texas A&M squad. We think they lose it. If they don’t? They’re very much in playoff contention as they head into a tough four-week stretch of Auburn, at Alabama (good luck!), Oklahoma, and at South Carolina. They had to come back to beat Boston College, and then got taken to overtime by Candy. We’re not believers here until they win a big game in conference, which could happen this weekend.

Clemson Tigers

Wrote about them last week so we’ll keep this fairly brief. They appear to have found themselves—especially on offense—and this defense may be among the best in the country. They visit a reeling FSU this week before facing a tricky three-week stretch of Louisville, at Virginia Tech, and at Pittsburgh in November, and they get South Carolina in Death Valley this year. It’s hard to find more than one more loss for them on that schedule, meaning the Tigers will likely be facing Miami in the ACC Championship Game for a shot at a Round 1 bye in the playoffs.

Michigan Wolverines

Look, they’re 4-1 with a nice win over a USC team that beat LSU on a neutral field. They’re certainly not out of it. Now do they look like a playoff team? Not really. But give credit where credit’s due…Sharrone Moore seems to be learning this team and all its new starters, and if they take care of business in Seattle this weekend, they’re probably 7-1 going into a home showdown with Oregon in early November. One game at a time for a growing bunch here, and if they finish 10-2, can you really keep them out? Would be a fascinating early test case for the new 12-team ‘yoff.

Utah Utes

Yes, they just dropped a really surprising one at Arizona—and by multiple scores, no less—but we know better than to count these guys out after a single loss. If we get to that first weekend in December and the Utes are standing atop the podium at the Big 12 championship game, well, we’ll make a very modest amount of money on the very modest bet we just placed…

Kentucky, that is...
Kentucky, that is...

Ole Miss Rebels/Star Wars Lobstermen

In the preseason we asked, “…but can they avoid that random slip-up against Arkansas??” Turns out it was Kentucky! This Ole Miss team is potent and dangerous, but they dropped a game before they even hit the heart of their conference schedule. Do they drop two of their next five (at South Carolina, at LSU, Oklahoma, at Arkansas, Georgia)? If so, we may be done here, and Kiffin may be calling plays and making stupid TikToks in Gainesville next fall.

Boise State Broncos

Should’ve beaten Oregon. May have a legit Heisman contender—and certainly a future NFL stud—in running back Ashton Jeanty. Pretty hard to see them dropping another game on that schedule, and if they finish the year 12-1 off a string of blowouts, we think they’re probably that non-Power 4 conference champ that makes the ‘yoff—and could be dangerous once they get there.

BYU Cougars

Extremely impressive start to their season, having knocked off a talented SMU team on the road before crushing Big 12 contender Kansas State at home. Shades of ‘84 here?? (BYU went undefeated and won a controversial natty that season.) Let’s just hope these guys don’t get a big head and try to bring in a second wife…One’s hard enough boys!!

"Me woif just loves these deformed autumn fruits...good thing Badger Beeill's got the game in hees earpiece."
"Me woif just loves these deformed autumn fruits...good thing Badger Beeill's got the game in hees earpiece."

Badger Bill’s B1G Lock of the Week

​​Let’s address the elephant in the room: Even the best locks can falter to the right smith. But a bad beat does not make a bad bet. When you bring a 21-point lead into the fourth quarter and only need to win by 10 for Badger Bill to start the season 3-0 in his B1G Locks, that’s not on us as bettors. That’s on Michigan. This is their fault...Just don’t pester players on social media, folks. That’s weird.

Before we get into financials, a bit of life advice: Unless you’re a Mizzou fan, this week’s slate of games stink. There’s no way around it. Peek ahead to next week, however, and you might start drooling. We’re talking asses on the couch from noon to midnight. So what I’m telling you is to use this bye week to do a little advance scouting—and to bank some brownie points. Has your significant other been nagging you about fall activities? Oblige them. Apple picking, pumpkin patching, corn mazing, whatever their heart desires. Do it. Even better, plan it! ::Shudders:: And when next weekend rolls around, Saturday is all for you. You’ll be rested, and you’ll be ready, because while your better half was filling their bushel with fruits and gourds of unknown origin and you “were taking the day off from football,” you were catching some of that Ohio State-Iowa game on your phone!! Games are won in the film room boys...

Now just because you’re not officially watching games this weekend doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be making money. My man BoxSlayer has you covered from coast to coast—or he will once he’s out of the TTM gulag...But up here in the land of Three Yards and a Cloud of Dust, there is always magic to be found if your eyes can bear it. From the cornfields of Iowa, the Hawkeyes roll into the Horseshoe as 18-point underdogs with an extra week of rest. They say “Punting Is winning,” and all they have to do here is cover! It’s a classic trap game with the Buckeyes looking ahead to Oregon. It’s just that easy, isn’t it?

Not so fast, my friend. Ryan Day doesn’t do trap games, and Ohio State will be dialed in to put on a show for their fans before heading to Eugene. Iowa might be steady as a pony ride, but the Buckeyes are all thoroughbred.

Back the Bucks at -18.